Diary Snippets, January 2018

February 1, 2018

Diary Snippets, January 2018

Inspired by Niall Doherty’s mementos on his blog: disruptingtherabelment.com

I can’t sleep. Mind is racing, feeling trapped. I meditate, 20 minutes or so, as I do every night. Can’t let go of thought. I haven’t felt so stressed in a while, I realize. The same way you remember you’ve left your keys inside while closing the door, I now realize I haven’t felt happy in a very long time. Skipping a heart beat, I close my eyes again and surrender to the night.

In the air, on my way to Malta. Reflecting on my work and dedication. Flying has always been a place where I can take a distant look and observe patterns and recurrent problems in my life. Today is one of those days where I make important decisions. Simplifying, simplify, splfy.

There’s only ever one mind around and it’s mine. The mind of others can only be imagined by my own, processed by my brain. I look at the crowd and for the first time I only see one mind. Strange snapshot. Feeling at ease and quiet inside.

This idea of buying a piece of land somewhere in the east of Canada comes back over and over again. Off the grid. Building my own thing. My own space. The world is overflowing on me and I can’t keep dry. I’ve lived many lives already. Perhaps it’s time for a brand new one, a quiet one. Chapter IV: “The Cabin Life”?

Lots of travels lined-up for the year. The best “mind reset” I’ve know in a while. In fact I think it’s saving me from a lingering depression that sticks to my shoe, like bubble gum, while I’m trying to get rid of it without touching it. Being a stranger is one of my favourite things to do in the world. Lucky for me, there’s quite a lot of opportunities awaiting. “The universe is infinite” they say.

I candidly mentioned I’ve been to her far away country before and lived and worked there for a year. Then it’s been 10 years of exploring and living in Europe as a Canadian expat. I was just happy to share. She swallowed the information with a certain unease. I noticed the “comparison reflex”. I never thought of myself as a well-traveled person, but I might start to be wrong about it. I left my homeland 11 years ago. I’ve traveled to 32 countries as of early 2018. Such a small number compared to the 195 existing countries on this planet. I’d love to see more and I hope I will, sooner than later. Not to compete with anyone, but simply to keep exploring, expanding my understanding of our world. I’m sure she would have understood that.

The Camino de Santiago was high on my bucket list. I was 23 at the time and was fantasizing about walking the way when I’d be retired. Perhaps an early retirement. The picture looked pretty nice in my dreaming mind, but some kind of urgency started to settle in and make me doubt. I realized I might be well dead before I’d have the chance to do it. Why should I wait, I thought, why not now? Either I could start living my dreams when I’d be finished with my professional life, or instead I could design my professional life in such a way that I could fulfill my dreams as they come. I made an important decision that day, and never regretted it. On a warm autumn afternoon, in early October 2006, I left Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port at the border of France and Spain and walked my first mile on the great Camino de Santiago.

We live in the ruins of an ancient world. Exploring Gozo island near Malta, I wonder what will be left of our civilization. Are we building to last, or only parasiting the legacy of an ancient more sustainable world? I guess we’ll have to wait another thousand years to figure this one out.